LOST
im lost. so lost in my life, in NUS, in my studies…the list goes on. i dunno why my life can be so (how shall i put it in words?)..so LOST??!!
exam is coming. im feeling very stressed. im tired of studying.tired of staying late everynite to study as much as i could. tired of worrying doing bad in my finals. tired of feeling guilty for not studying, wasting time or even slping.
i was not even this stress during my one and a half year of my STPM. i mean i did slack during my lower 6 and part of upper 6.=P. but this is only my first semester in NUS and im as stressed as i was during the STPM period. how am i gonna survive for the next of my 4 years here??!!
despite how screwed im in my studies,im also as screwed in my social life. i actually have problems making friends with others. what is wrong with my social skills? or issit becoz of my personality tat drives people off? sobs…i sound so pathetic..IM PATHETIC. everyday,i go lecture alone, i go tutorial alone, i have breakfast alone and i have lunch alone. IM TIRED OF BEING ALONE!!! i actually feel embarrassed when i eat alone everyday. i mean people are looking weirdly at me. (fine!if u think that im just being paranoid) there’s one day i had a sinful meal(Tempura Set in The Deck, cost me $4). guess what?! i was eating alone again. all of a sudden, the Tempura set does not taste as good as i thought it would be anymore.
i feel so lonely all the time. among my Malaysian friends who came to NUS, everyone is either from the Faculty of Science, Faculty of Engineering, School of Computing. there are less than 5 from Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences. how happy uh??! and those 5 people rite? none of them majoring in Economics! where are all the Arts people?? SOS!!!
i really envy my friends that they get to go lecture together, tutorial together and even discuss studies together. i feel so out of place everytime im wif them. i have no one to discuss at all. tell u what! im so lack of sense of belonging in NUS that i went to join the Arts Club. the aim is to mix with more Arts people to make myself belonging to NUS. do i sound deperate? i don find myself enjoying in that club at all. i forced myself to join. maybe i could make more friends, more Arts friends. however, i find myself struggling in that club…
Susan always ask me to dress nicer for classes. firstly, i don have a nice body in the sense that im fat to dress ANY clothes i like. secondly, what is so fun bout dressing up if u r going everywhere alone? i tried to dress as simple as possible so that people wont notice how pathetic im for doing everything alone. sobs…
where were the days when all my frens are with me all the time? doing everything together. we are even tired of seeing each other everyday for almost 12 hours!!
i miss Lih and Chin Wei so much…
