The Unwanted

I want to eat McD. Im so very hungry…*sobs*.

FINALLY!! my two presentations have ended. u just dunno how stressed i was during those few weeks back. everything is due around the same week. firstly, two presentations on the very same day, Monday. then, history due on the next day, Tuesday. i have to meet up for japanese project this Friday somemore. argh!

as for the presentations, i did not really do well. but i don care. itz over! i cant imagine myself dressing like that anymore. i actually had to wear black skirt and button-up , collar shirt. WITH HEELS!!! my feet hurt like hell that day. and it was one of those days when i needed to walk the most. i really feel like taking the heels off, walk with my bare feet. i had to rush from School of Computing after my first presentation, and rushed to Arts Faculty for my english presentation. obviously , i was late for my second presentation. my tutor actually wanted to deduct my marks. *sobs*

2nite i finally have some time to clean my room. my room was in complete mess. if u were to enter my room, your jaw would definately drop and get a bad impression on me. “mei yoke= dirty gal.”

and also, i have some time to blog. before this, i barely have time to even read others blog. busy busy busy. after slacking for a few hours now, i need to start work again. sigh. heavy workload. neverending work.

i am just happy today coz i get to do things i have been planning to do for weeks. that is to clean my room. yay yay!!

life is full of decision makings. however, the worse part is im very bad in deciding. im indecisive, even if i want to try to be decisive, i fail to make the correct or best decision. it is sad, isn’t it?

tatz y i tried to ask others to decide for me. i have had enough failure. i tried to make my decisions everytime, i failed badly. but coming to NUS is my very own decision. would it be a failure as well? i shall tell u in 4 years time from now…

exam is coming, just around the corner. and i have not done even 1/10 of my studies. only 1 month left. im so so dead. i feel so pressured and stressed. even when im really tired, i want to fall aslp badly, i find difficulties falling aslp. CAN U BELIEVE IT? u know, itz me!! me u know!! impossible to find it hard to fall aslp. i love slping!!! im …well… basically a pig.tatz wat my dad referred me as. coz he said tat i only EAT, SLEEP and SHIT (sorry for this word) in his house.
Susan was so stressed tat she want to die badly. so, Susan, shall i kill u first then kill myself or u kill me first and then kill urself? u choose.(bad in decision making, i am)

form 6 was not tat bad. REALLY!!! i mean i actually have time to slack during form 6 ok?? and even if i slack, u get catch up easily as :
1) the readings are not so many
2)workload not so heavy
3)itz in Malay (well u see, im bad in my english. now everything is in english tat every sentence i read, i need to check the dictionary,ok?? tat means im slow in my readings and im so way behind!!!! do u get it or not???!!!)
4)i don need to speak up during tutorials k??? i don need to. ( now if u don speak, u r SO dead! and i practically shut my d**** mouth shut all the time. u know y? i din get to catch up with my readings!!!)

sobs…sometimes i just feel like shouting ‘ can u guys please stop and wait for me to finish up all my readings so tat i get to say AT LEAST one sentence in tutorials ?? sobs…

im on the verge of declaring my decision of coming here is so so wrong. however, i WILL NOT give up so easily. im tough. do u get me??!! i shall try my best and prove to myself im not tat bad after all. i used to think tat i was not one of the worst in either class or school…but now i can feel im SO SO small in this NUS world. im actually the worst in my history tutorial as i get the lowest. sigh…

enough already. sorry for being rude or harsh in this blog. just not in a good mood….

now, i truly feel how hard it is for Chung Yee to maintain as a vegetarian. i truly feel how hard it is…

im on vegetarian for 9 days, until next wednesday due to a festival going on. it is the God’s 9th son’s birthday( something like that). anyway, im a buddhist. being a vegetarian is good, i never complain a word for being one for 9 days. itz just that i have been eating from the same food stall for the same vegetables for 2 days for lunch and dinner. it is still ok with me though, but i somehow really admire the vegetarians in NUS. they can actually stick to their belief and principle. i have been eating quite little in these few days coz there’s nothing much for me to choose and i don wanna eat something im not supposed to eat accidentally.

we went to clementi just now for dinner. sadly, i din have my dinner there. becoz the kopitiam foodcourt don have any vegetarian stalls there. i actually bought one plate of wanton noodles without the meat. but then itz not vegetarian, coz they might use sauces which contain meat. therefore, i gave my plate of noodles to Meng Tat to finish it. i have to see everyone having their dinner. i was so hungry as i just had one meal today which is at 12pm. after that, we went to NTUC(fair price) to shop. i bought vegetarian maggie mee, bread, brocolli and mushroom soup. i totally depend on them for the next 5 days. when i reached PGP, i quickly went to cook myself one packet of maggie mee. coz i was so hungry that my legs were weak.

speaking of me being a buddhist, i feel sinful for one thing i did. i have never, NEVER taken any beef in my life before. i know buddhist can eat beef but since im also praying the Goddess of Mercy,im not supposed to eat beef. bout the sinful thing i did, i actually ate beef for the first time in my whole life. accidentally of coz. i went to Susan’s fashion show. they had a buffet style dinner. i went to take the spaghetti and the sauce. i din know it was beef as u know, people usually serve chicken rite?? and there’s no sign stating that it was beef. i took my first bite of spaghetti and i knew something was wrong. i asked,’is this beef?’ and i got a ‘yes’ for my answer!!! i was so shocked and i spitted everything out of my mouth.ok, i know it was obscene, but…i was so so upset at that time and i felt like throwing up. i just could not believe it. sorry to say that, but i din eat the whole plate of spaghetti after that.

i felt so guilty but there’s nothing could be done. sinful, i feel…

i was quite surprised today. here is what actually happened…

i was on my way to my room. went into the lift. cleaning aunty came in. she went into the lift mistakenly coz she thought the lift is actually going down.( how i know? coz she told me that.) then, when i got out of the lift. she pointed at my transponder and her face was like lighten up ( the way mine lighten up when i see cute stuff) and said’ ee..so cute..’ . rupa- rupanya she was referring to my cutie hippopotamus. the aunty, was the one i thought cute.

the cleaning aunties in NUS are very different from where i come from
1) the aunties here smile at you, INSTEAD of scolding you to get out of her way
2) the aunties here seem to enjoy their work, no signs of anger or impatience
3) the aunties here listen to MP3 when they clean
4) the aunties here use handsfree when they speak on the phone
5) the aunties here ( maybe i have only met one) think my hippo is CUTE!!!

i have decided…im not gonna have a new pair of glasses until i go back to Malaysia in December.

today is just another lecture for my history module. i sat down, took out my file, pencil case, glasses case, wore my cardigan and put down my bag. as usual, i opened my glasses case, preparing for my lecture to begin…until… i got the shock of my day~! my glasses was broken!!!! i was like…picking up the pieces from the case and went speechless…

i wanted to ask…

how did it happen?
when did it happen?

sobs…my poor glasses. although itz life was not short, i had been using it for more than 2 years.. still..it had gone through my form 6 life with me. i feel sorry for my glasses.

however, i don recall dropping it or anything. but HOW?? and WHEN??

i could not really see the slides well during the lecture. i wonder how i am gonna survive for the next 3 months? i shall..
1) make a new one?
2)go blur for 3 months during all lectures?

im too sad to say anything more. it was my favourite…although Susan said i look exactly like a nerd after wearing it. STILL, I LOVE MY GLASSES!! *crying hard*

dear glasses,

im really sorry for how things ended between you and i. i would never forget how u have gone through the whole form 6 tough life with me.*salute* my respects for u! i will miss u . i promise.

i used to believe in fairy tales.
although i do not exist.
i used to believe in miracle.
it does happen though.
but now…from now onwards,
i shall not.
when one gets too upset, hurt and heartbroken,
one tend not to believe in any of those anymore.

fairy tales are only meant to stay in story books, not in real life.

miracles are only meant for others, not for me.

i can feel that…

only feel that…

my heart is numb…

i finally decided to begin my mei yoke’s revolution. i want to modernize and westernize. by achieving my revolution, i have taken my baby steps by……u know wat? by going to Fong Seng. Yeap! i have never been there since the day i came to NUS. yesterday, i finally went. i don think i would go there often coz i HATE the walking. sigh..say im lazy or wert. it was far OK?? anyway,i ate my very first Nasi Lemak there, actually cost me $2.50(+ the walking!) i mean it was a cool experience, at least im not the outcast anymore. it was fun hanging out with frens coz i finished all my midterm test. yay yay!

i shall update about my revolution as i move along.