The Unwanted

i wonder what my parents are doing right now. dunno why i kept thinking of them lately. thinking of how i disappoint them. im in fact very disappointing. im the youngest and the only daughter in my family. unlike my two elder brothers, im constantly showered with love and luxuries by my parents. i know my parents both love me alot. the last thing i want on earth is to disappoint them. they have sacrificed so much for the family. the least thing i can do is to study hard which i failed to do badly. sigh..

i still remember the proud face of my dad’s when i were in standard six. he accompanied me to take my UPSR results. when the results was out, he helped to see my results. i still can feel the way he patted my head when he found out i got straight As. i never seen him so happy before. i guess i did make him proud at that time. i was really happy not because i got straight As but happy that my dad was so happy and proud of my results. before the results, my dad was the one always helping me in my studies. although he can be very fierce sometimes, i know it is always for my own good. therefore,i really need to thank my dad for that.

things however changed drastically. im no longer the daughter my dad used to be proud of. or should i say i have nothing for my dad to be proud of anymore. i did badly in my PMR, even screwed up my SPM and STPM. i can feel the disappointment in my parents’ eyes,especially my dad. i know he loves me more than anything. he is someone who doesn’t really reveal his true feelings much, but i know how much he loves me and how disappointed he is when i don’t do good in my studies. he never scold me when i did badly. he believes that im old enough to know what my priorities are.

until now,the disappointment in his tone still haunts me when he found out i only get 2 As in my STPM. i really pitied my parents. i really do believe in Karma. therefore, i wondered what my parents have done that they are given a daughter like me. how i wish i could turn back the time and undo the things i have done.

i know all along my dad really want me to be in the professions.i wanted to do law all along. he even took me to KL to take a look on MMU,Kemayan ATC. wait until u hear this. after hearing all the advice from different people, i have decided to do accountancy in MMU. i know my dad really wants me to be in the profession field. he was so happy that i finally decided to do accountancy, but not going to NUS. however,things didn’t turn out as what he thought it was. my dad and mum sent me to MMU already and few days later i told them i want to go NUS. poor daddy…he did not want me to go NUS at all. he’ll miss me is one thing. most importantly is im going to NUS to do social sciences,majoring in economics. sigh…i feel that i have failed him so badly. poor daddy…his dream of me being in the profession field has totally been broken by me. i started to think maybe i should not have come here after all. maybe i should have stayed in MMU to do accountancy…coz all along,my dream is to be in the profession field as well. things are done cannot be undone,can they?

i don’t know why im so unhappy everyday. my mind is blocked again. can’t get things into my mind at all. for example, im doing my readings, i can’t understand any, even if i do understand, i can’t recall what i have read later. im upset…im scared…i feel insecured.what should i do?sobs…no one can help me at all…i don’t wish to fail my parents even more…

i wish to be in the profession becoz i think itz the safest way to get high pay rite? i mean at least itz more secured,to me lar. i want jobs that provide high pay. not that i need money so badly for MYSELF,but i wish to earn more money so that my parents would have a better life and enjoy more. they have sacrificed and sloughed for so many years, i just wish i could provide a better life for them. my mum have not driven an auto car before,i wish to buy a nice and comfortable car for her to drive around and not the old junk with the lousiest air-cond around. i wish to pay for my dad’s trip to go fish around or wherever he wants.

im worried…what if i get very little pay next time when i start to work??i know at first sure the pay not very high.but then what if what im studying now won’t lead me into a bright future(bright future means high pay to me.hehe).sigh…

daddy mummy,im sorry,really sorry…i really do love you both very much. i never meant to do things that disappoint you both.